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This is the story of a boy named Henry. Henry is a 13 year old boy who was very gullible, He would believe anything that was told to him in an instant no matter what it was. Henry was also very lonely in life. He had no friends at school, he was constantly bullied, and the only one who really cared for him was his overprotective and rather abusive Mother. Henry's mother did love him, but maybe too much. She would keep him in the house most of the time, so needless to say, he wasn't good with social interaction. But even with that in his way, Henry always looked upon the brighter side of things, always staying optimistic no matter the situation. some people would call him weird for his up-beat attitude, especially with how his life is. He lived in a poor home in the worst part of town, had no friends, was bullied, had a very overprotective and sexual abusive mother. Yet he was happy. Some wondered if he was so broken, that he didn't even know how to express sadness, anger, or loneliness. That all he had lefted was a false hope.  Anyone that would talk to him out of curiosity would always get this strange vibe from him, a very "help me, im scared" Vibe. And all who talk to Henry here him mumble the same thing over and over. "all's well, that ends well" is what he would mumble and repeat. No one ever understood what that meant, and thought it was just his way of coping with his life, so most people didn't register the meaning. Until one day, Henry didn't show himself, He hever came to play outside, neither did he show up for school. Some thought the worst while others thought very little of the situation.  It would take two weeks before one of the neighbors would get too curious. He went to henry's house to invastigate, knocking on the front door with no one coming to answer it. checking the windows to see if he could see someone and even called the household number to see if anyone would pick up, only to end up with a dial tone. It was at this point that the neighbor called the police. Two hours passed by when the police showed up at the house. The knocked on the door and proceeded to Lock pick it. Once in the house, they immediately noticed How cold it was in there. They started to look around, looking in the one bed room that was in there, the kitchen, and bathroom. The coudn't find anything to suspicious, until one of them came across a secret door attatched to the floor of the single bedroom. It led to a secret room underground. The police went in and looked around. Soon they came to a large black door, it was labeled the "happy" room. Then the police opened the door, they all were in disbelief of what they have witnessed. A single half-lit room made of concrete. Dirt, blood and poop stains covered the floor. in the middle of the floor laid the two naked bodies of Henry and his mother  in a sexual manner, dead with smiles on both of their faces, as they were both staring at the police officers with their cold lifeless eyes.  Then As they were about to leave, one of the officers saw something engraved in the wall. She walked over to it and was shocked at what it said. "all's well, that ends well". repeated over and over. Now in fear and ah, the officers left the area and called in emergency team to take the bodies out of the house.
Three years passed after the incident, And no matter how hard Neighbors try to forget, when they look at the house, they always feel like the something or someone is watching them through the window. Reminding them that they never helped poor little henry.
This is a short story i made in the spirit of Halloween.  I just wanted to create something spooky, and since i cant draw for crap, i figure i would use my second talent, literature/storytelling. Please tell me what you think of the story, any criticism is appreciated.  
Hello, my first critique, I'll try to be as helpful as I can. I must say that you were able to capture the creepy tone pretty effectively. It's creepy, it felt uneasy like you don't know what's going on with the situation and it makes you wonder why the little boy was acting the way he acts. I like the atmosphere created by the scene that shows the reader that it's kind of nice and innocent at first but it's a sort of false sense of joy and happiness. The tone shift was also pretty effective and it was pretty unexpected which is something I really like.

There are a few small things that can be improved. For example a little paragraph spacing would make it easier to read. There are a few small grammar mistakes such as I believe when you mistook "hear" for "here". There's also some proper nouns which were missing capital letters along with not capitalizing letters after full stops. But these are just minor mistakes, nothing a little editing can't fix.

Another thing that could be improved is that I personally think that it'd be better if you pace the story a little slower (or at least make it a little longer). As it did felt like it went by a bit too fast.

Overall, I enjoy reading it, the tone and atmosphere shift were fantastic. Just some polishing will do this some good.
What do you think?
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Submitted on
October 24, 2016


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